So…

So for some reason, now the sun shines differently. The clouds seem a little opaque and rain is lauder than usual. For some reason the words I write, the music I play and the way I pull my sheets when Im going to sleep are different. So I remind myself, to stay strong, because I fear that magic will loose its magic, and I fear that insanity will loose its real insanity. If this happens, well, I will be truly insane with out any magic. And so what? Now its been a few sunrises that I wake up with a mild emotional headache. I wake up, and things seem backwards and grey, for this I’ve been forced to knock my valor and motivation with a couple of inspirational quotes and notes. Now I can say I am a coach, a life coach, for I’ve tried all the possible ways to get through what seems as a nightmare. Now I call it life lesson, strength builder, life flow. Now I call this love meltdown with hundreds of different names, every minute, or at least every time something reminds me of the way we spooned together.

And I must accept it, I am sick and tired of this shit. I am sick and tired of writing two posts per day because I overflow with painful and sad motivation. I am sick of being stuck in the past and in the faithful hope of simply loving and being loved. And I must be strong, because it is so stupid, it is. I am loved and I love. I inspire and life inspires me. I am living my dream, the one that took me tears and sweat to materialize. I am, in all means doing well in life. I am doing what could be perfect without anyone else in the equation. Yet I miss the synergy, I miss the spark, I miss the love comments, the romantic butterflies. I hate to say that I miss so many things, so many things, and I hate even more to say that the only analgesic pill I can take are tears and writing. I hate to say, to realize and to accept that finally I take a big spoonful of my own medicine. I hate to say that the greatest lesson I teach is the one that I am living with every loving cell of my passionate body. And once again, I hate to say that I miss seeing your eyes, hearing your voice, when you were deep down in the sea of love and whatever made us so special.

So I’ve been strong. I’m telling you, for I’ve never experienced such thing in my life. Its been like puberty hitting a teenager. All was rolling perfectly and all the sudden boom, I see changes that might be good for later, but now, it seems as hell. I’ve been so strong Im telling you, so strong that I forgave you the first second after you gave me the ultimatum look. Can you see how powerful that is? Can you see that I am broken in a googolplex amount of pieces yet if I have to build myself again to love you again now I will, snap your fingers and I will be ready to give you all I have. And don’t you worry honey, because I am strong, I’ve been strong before, and I will remain strong, but something that could worry you a little bit is the fact that I love you so deeply. If you want to worry about me, look for a magic spell that will make me understand that you are not that amazing as I think. Because at the moment, wow, I don’t want nothing more than you, even though I understand clearly that you, well, you are now somewhere else. and I hold hope on us, deep strong hope which will be hard to simply forget. Why? Because I never lived something so magical, and I’ve never lost something in such a stupid senseless way. So what is left, hope the best for us, because in my mind it is still us.

And the most funny thing about all this is that as I finish writing I realize that it is not that bad, that actually I might not even love you as I say and that actually I could just delete you from my neurons. But as usual, as past experiences, as it was yesterday, I know that tomorrow I wake up realizing how meaningless I feel without our combination, our lovely combination. So honey, don’t expect much from me more than unconditional love and some sorrow. From you, now I do not expect anything, for once you showed me that anything could go good or go wrong, so all I do is wait, and well, think a little bit, little too much my friends say. So I miss you, so I can’t understand why, so I keep hope, so I am strong and know I can breath without you, so I know all, yet I do not know why letting go seems like the last possible option. So maybe this is true love, that one that you find only once in a life time. So I am tired of this, and I know you are too. So why don’t we just love each other as we did before?

And I must say, words will never be enough, instants with you will never be enough, it might just be a little too much drama for what all used to be before the collapse of our empire.

Jose Andres Arvide

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